January 2012
100 posts
I don’t get why scientists say the dinosaurs died because of a meteor impact Everyone knows it’s because Noah couldn’t fit them on the arc
I really wanted to remarry the woman I divorced years ago, but she said I was only after my money.
Yes Jesus loves me…But I worry about the age gap.
My girlfriend came up for the day and after a nice romantic meal, I put her back in the basement.
Maybe the Nazis wouldn’t have been such assholes if they hadn’t been left hanging for all their high fives.
My fortune cookie said I will come into money, is it coincidence that I just had sex with a girl named Penny?
Maybe the Nazis wouldn’t have been such assholes if they hadn’t been left hanging for all their high fives.
I am thinking of opening a new religious gym in town called…..Jehovahs Fitness
I’ve learnt morse code recently, so I can tell the annoying woodpecker outside my house to fuck off.
Seeing as they’re so good at knots, are all scout leaders into very kinky sex?Or was it just mine?
I wish that every time I got an erection it would make a sound like somebody flicked a spring door stop
Who is this ‘Hell’ guy?Everyone seems to either be as bored as him or fucking him…
God said Let there be Facebook so that I don’t have to hear all you’re fucking depressing problems anymore, the rest of the world can!
Modern Christianity is like a software agreement. No one ever reads the book, they just scroll down to the bottom and click “I accept”.
THE GOVERNMENT IS FULL OF CUTS ..see they even took the n out of that last word
Boobs; Weapons of Mass Distraction
bet your female friends that she cant use both her elbows to touch her belly button. Watch, enjoy and thank me later.
Do Amish murderers get the acoustic chair?
I’ve changed my name to ‘Benefits’… Now when people add me on Facebook it says “You are now friends with benefits”
5 tags
Auctioneers are proof that white people could rap if they tried hard enough.
Whoever said nothing rhymes with orange clearly doesn’t understand the pronunciation of nothing.
I went to the dry cleaners to clean my pants which had mayonnaise on them. The woman said Come again.No,” I replied, “just some mayonnaise.
History is full of strong, imposing women.Well my internet history is anyway.
Recent survey shows that 100% of the people who drink water, die… that’s a fact…Check Wikipedia.
Life insurance for cats Offer…..Buy 2, get 7 free.
What’s the fastest thing on dry land? Stevie Wonder in his speed boat.
I’d love to meet the instructor for suicide bombers…”Now I’m only going to show you this once”
What do you mean masturbation is a sin?I do it once a day religiously
It’s all fun and games until the fat kid joins the pile on.
Anal sex is a lot like tackling in football.If you go in too hard, somebody’s going to get hurt.
What’s the difference between a husband and a wife ?A husband would be delighted to find his wife in bed with another woman.
Dear Noah,We could have sworn you said the ark wasn’t leaving till 5. Sincerely Unicorns .
Just saw twins. One had a shirt that said “Copy” & the other one had a shirt that said “Paste”.
Life is like a penis…simple…soft…straight…relaxed and hanging freely…Then women make it hard…
Never again will I feel fully protected by a condom. Last night I was fucking my girlfriend and her husband beat me up!
Sarcasm: The ability to insult idiots without them realising.
Facebook should have a limit on the number of times people can change their relationship status, after 5 it should default to “Unstable”
The phrase “what a dick” has a totally different meaning when said in a public toilet…
Girls who paint their eyebrows on look surprised when I tell them they drew them on too high.
My favorite form of lying to myself is choosing a deodorant scent that contains the words ‘active’ or ‘sport’ in it’s name.
I wonder if the girls on ‘16 And Pregnant’, will come back with a new show called ‘32 And a Grandma’.
My new party trick… I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together… Seriously. I shit you knot.
Life insurance for cats Offer…..Buy 2, get 7 free.
The Wikipedia blackout is over. At last we can now find out what SOPA is.
Once upon a time I had a life. Then I became schizophrenic and now I have two.
