My electric toothbrush has stopped working, so I am using my acoustic one for now.
Statistically, marriage is the number one cause of divorce… Hmmmmmm
Waking up is the second hardest thing in the morning ;)
What’s that show up north where they catch crabs in wild spots by uneducated people? Jersey Shore?
If the Chinese are so far advanced, why don’t they invent a fork?
My plan for the snow: 1. Wait for my 8 year old neighbor to build a snowman. 2. Wait for that to melt. 3. Put a suicide note where it melted.
Its fair to say that there’d be a lot less litter in the world if blind people were given pointed sticks?
Science Question: How do stars die? …Drugs normally
I often send text messages to random numbers that say Guess whose restraining order’s expired?Eventually I’m bound to get a hysterical reply.
I was asked to write an essay on ‘what is laziness’so I left three blank sheets empty and wrote at the end ‘this is laziness’
So Chris Brown is starting a new US tour,First he’s going to hit Savannah, then Charlotte and then Madison.Then he’s going to start touring.
When I die I want to be thrown out of a Jet wearing a Superman costume.
Porn…..The only time I understand a foreign film.
How many women does it take to change a lightbulb?Surprisingly, only two.One to try, then one to ask a man to do it.
When one man has an imaginary friend, he’s called crazy. When a group of people share an imaginary friend, it’s called religion.
So what if Jesus turned water into wine…I turned a whole student loan into Vodka once. Your move Jesus…
Today I saw a baby with a bib that said ‘This dumbass put my cape on backwards.’
When your fucking the girl and she says “ooh baby it’s huge”Do not, I repeat, do not return the compliment.
I’m painting a blue square in my backyard , so that Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
I’m going to create a boomerang app for the iPhone just to see how many retards throw their phones away.
I’ve decided to nickname my fridge ‘Facebook’Because even if I know there’s nothing there, I still check it every time I go into the room.
Just bought a Christian cookbook,…Found a nice fish dish to cook….According to the recipe it will serve 2 - 5000 people.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you have boobs.
All these rappers brag about being former criminals.Yet they complain about us illegally downloading their music.
Chicken is chicken, lamb is lamb, and fish is fish.So how come cow is beef, pig is pork, and cat is called chicken chow mein?
These memory foam mattresses are a joke..I woke up and couldn’t remember shit.
I went for a job interview as a scuba diving instructor yesterday.The guy interviewing me said,This is not a good start, you look ridiculous.
Just seen a woman with a really bad face lift. Not sure who looked more surprised.
we now live in a world where losing your Iphone is more dramatic than losing your virginity
My buddy asked “Can I use your phone to call my Mom ? Yeah,” I answered “just hit redial.”
Apparently, “Do fries come with that shake?” is an unacceptable chat up line at a Parkinsons support group.
For Valentines day, my wife asked me for something long and hard that would make her moan.I hope she likes the mop I bought her.
Women only need 3.5 inches to achieve maximum pleasure. It’s called a credit card.
Who the hell is Bored?Everyone seems to be fucking him these days.
How long are you supposed to cook those fish in the boil-able bags you get at the Carnivals?
1 Universe,9 Planets,7 Seas,204 Countries,809 Islands,And I Met You…How Fucking Unfortunate.
I hate my Android phone it’s always auto correcting my swear words…piece of shut.
I bought my blind uncle a cheese grater. He said it was the most violent thing he has ever read.
The original title for Back to the Future was “Cockblocking My Dad”.
Wow never ask Google for medical advice I have gone from mild headache to clinically dead in three clicks…
For those who know nothing of how to satisfy a women, the G-spot is located at the end of the word shopping.
Just got 15 Valentines cards! It’s left me completely breathless.That security guard at Walgreens gave quite a chase!
The only “B” word you should call a woman is beautiful!…All my bitches love that.
To everybody that is single don’t worry you will have your day… Palm Sunday is just around the corner
It’s called St. Valentine’s Day because St. Blowjob for Jewelry Day just didn’t have the same ring to it.