Was off Facebook for a few hours and almost lost my deluded sense of being interesting, talented and special… Close one.
Damn this hay fever.I sneezed while putting gas in my car today… Cost me $20
Forget the melting polar ice caps, the most devastating element of the future will surely be how many grandmas have tramp stamps.
I’d like to thank my skeletal system for all the support its given me over the years.
The creator of Red Bull died three days ago.Coroners are still unable to close his eyes.
666 is only the area code of the Beast. His full number is unlisted.
Gas is getting so expensive nowadays.Every time I fill up my tank, it doubles the value of my car.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.The five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the mornings.
When senior citizens are constipated, do they say to themselves, “I’m too old for this shit.”
I used to be a lifeguard until some blue kid got me fired.
Last week I taught my dog how to beg…..He came home with 10 bucks last night
I should run for political office just to see what kind of dirt they dig up.It would be nice to be able to piece together my twenties.
What do you give a man who has everything? …Antibiotics
Opinions are like farts. Everyone has them but you don’t want them wafted in your face.
My friend has a stutter, Went in a store for a Mars bar, Came out with M&M’S.
Periods… Better late than never.
What if only the stickers are made in China?
When I’m bored I like to text random numbers and say…I hid the body, what now?
When life gives you melons, become a porn star.
Having sex for money is illegal but most girls know clever tricks to get around it such as marriage.
Your mother is like my big toe; I’ve banged her on every piece of furniture I own.
I look at people sometimes and think… seriously? That’s the sperm that won?
They say that carrots help you see in the dark, it’s bullshit. After 5 minutes of walking into shit, I switched back to using a light.
If dolphins were as smart as people say, they’d stop hanging around with tuna fish.
Following a sexist joke I made the other day the Feminist Society now has my address.Fortunately none of them can read a map.
God made man . But dinner wasn’t going to make itself so God made woman.
It’s true that women work a lot harder than men… men get it right the first time.
Calories (noun) - Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little bit tighter every night.
Let’s hope the zombie apocalypse doesn’t start in Kenya because there is no way any of us can outrun those fuckers.
Little known fact : Dolphins are actually gay Sharks… Fact.
Snooki, the star of the hit show “Jersey Shore” is expecting her baby on December 21, 2012. The Mayans knew.